A love letter

a recap of my road trip

You’ll wanna brace yourself for how long this post is…

If you spend enough time with me, you'll learn that despite often being on time, I have such a bad sense of time itself. A day can feel like a week, a week like a month, and I won't even get into years. I think I'm this way because I think about things first in increments of energy before increments of time.

There's an interesting relationship between time and energy that I feel gets overlooked; I could probably spend an entire post on it, but long story short, energy defines how I will ultimately spend my time because I can often make time for things in a day, but can't make energy the same way - it's much more finite until I rest up. To say this more tangibly, there were days in May when I had blocked out time to write SOAR, but simply didn't have the mental or physical energy to write a post to a place of completion. Interestingly enough, the post that I started weeks ago is still in draft mode because I felt an overwhelming need to publish this one immediately.

Two things pertaining to time have been on my mind over the last few days:

• What an unreal and unforgettable month of May

• It's already June?! Eff, the year’s practically over.

What I've been up to

Remember when I told you that I once met a freelancer in Portland who said that he would work for three months before taking the fourth one off? May was my version of that fourth month via three weeks of what I can only call California dreamin'. While I'm back to living my reality, there's a part of me that feels like I won't ever wake up (in a good way). 

From May 10-30th, I was reconnecting with friends in California. The whole thought behind my trip is that I love summers in the PNW and have no plans to leave during it, but also recognize that by the time September hits, I could very well have a job on a different coast. Since we could be back in an office setting, it might get tricky to just say 'Hey new manager! I'm gonna work from CA for a few weeks to see some folks!' So to play it safe, I carved out time for it in May.

What I thought would be a trip to simply catch up with friends turned into something much more - a trip centered around next-level connection, gratitude, laughter, and community. This post won't describe and do what I'd like to say justice but it's worth trying.

You know how we keep asking each other 'how're you doing?' especially during covid? While we often say something along the lines of 'things are going well,' I got to see over the past few weeks what that really means. My theme in 2021 is 'space' - creating it for things like new jobs, reconnecting with friends, etc. But my friends also created space for me in a number of ways. They invited me into their physical spaces by letting my stay with them, which let me see the little things that define their everyday - cuddles with their dogs, the snacks they live by, candle scents that soothe, and books and motivational notes that keep them going. (As a marketer and strategist, I absolutely loved this.) They also created space in their schedules - put OOO messages up and took afternoons off to visit museums or just hang. Overall, there was just a more intimate level of awareness in how my friends are really doing that was truly so special. And while many of my friends have never met each other, what clearly connects them all is the level of gratitude they all have for where they are. They recognize their various ways of privilege, but never take it for granted and have put in so much energy and effort to be where they are today. Seeing their journeys over the years and what their hard work has turned into is truly inspiring. I simply feel super fortunate to have shared space and time with them in May.

What makes me nervous

As nice as May was, it's now June. Normally, I think about months in terms of what's in season at the farmers market. While that's still true (and it's officially berry season), recruiting adds a new lens to this concept of time. As a quick reminder, I kicked off my job hunt in Jan, and feel like the first three months moved at a pace that I was fully cognizant of; despite meeting a lot of people and working on my first freelance project, I could see the journey and where I was relative to it, which was the start.

Then April and the first week of May flew by as interviews picked up and I took on a new freelance assignment (which I wanted to avoid while in CA, but agreed to out of respect for someone who opened a door to part of my career). So when my trip started, I put a few questions I had on the back burner of my mind:

• Is a certain company going to give me an offer? (TBD)

• Is this one job that I'm pretty far along with something I'm really interested in? (after learning more, I'm not)

• Should I freelance in June (the answer would've been an automatic yes if I had not taken on that freelance assignment in May; I'm currently leaning towards yes, but may make June a hybrid month)

• Do I feel pressure to take something due to time (the answer is no, but not without hesitation)

In mid-May, I was part of a dynamic group of four people living under one roof and after a few days and nights with them, I left thinking three things:

• I haven't belly-laughed for days on end like that in way too long. That kind of laughter feels so good, in a way that can only be described as so fucking healthy.

• Our conversations covered topics that nurtured my IQ and EQ, so much so that the lightworker in me was on absolute fire.

• Someone asked the question 'what makes you nervous?' and my answer was perception, more often than not.  

I've personally said from the start that I will be lucky af if I find a job I'm excited about in less than a year. I still stand by this statement (especially now that summer's in full swing and people will be taking vacation to make up for 2020), but it doesn't mean that I'm not nervous at times about how I'll be perceived. Narratives can be wonderful and dangerous things, depending on how they’re written by you and/or others; the important thing is to not let it eat away at your spirit and keep you from getting after what you want. And while this is easier said than done, I've personally found a way to do so thanks to the support of my friends.

What keeps me calm (and crying)

One of the reasons why I started writing SOAR is because I've learned that people internalize written words more meaningfully than spoken ones, and while I could go into my theories on why, this is one of the rare moments when 'why' really doesn't matter to me; what matters is whether people can feel what I'm trying to communicate.

Letting people in comes more easily to me than others, but it doesn't mean I'm always understood or appreciated, and hey, that's really okay; we're not made for everyone (and if you think you are, then I'd wonder if you're sacrificing a part of your true self to do so). I find that I can comfortably say such things because of the gift of friendship.

My closest friendships have never been based on time, but a sense of belonging - a place where I truly feel safe and seen in one or more aspects of my life - as a friend, Asian, marketer, spirit, and single female in her mid-30s, among other things. And while my friends have all heard me say how much their friendship means to me, I usually do it in a nonchalant way because I'd honestly be an emotional mess if I said it any other way. Even as I type this, I can't really keep it together because I'm so acutely aware of the energy their confidence and support gives me daily, near or far, via text or in person. So when I get nervous about the job hunt timeline, I let them in. I let them help. And I let them ease my nerves.

To my dearest friends who are reading this, you truly give me life in a way that I cannot put into words, just tears. And I feel an overwhelming need to share it this week, especially coming out of Mental Health Awareness Month, because you keep me centered and sane.

Closing thoughts

For months, I've gone back and forth on whether I should write about the topic of loneliness because I am concerned about how much it plagues America. I mention this because I think friendship and belonging play a huge role in all of it.

We’re just a bunch of humans with doubts and confusion. We do the best we can. And the best thing we can do is treat each other better because we’re all we’ve got. 

Barack Obama said that in an interview with Ezra Klein this week. In full transparency, this was actually in response to a question about aliens, but don't you think it's still fitting for this moment?! I'll let you decide - read or listen to the full interview here.

As the saying goes, days are long and years are short, so make 'em count and let the people who give you energy know what they mean to you. Thanks so much for reading such a long note - I’m honestly impressed that you made it to the end, xx.