who I am and want to be
answer tbd
The moment Spotify’s Wrapped campaign comes out, I brace myself for a wave of year-end reflections. Reflection is a great thing, so I’m not here to criticize; it’s nice to see people express optimism, gratitude, and whatever else it is that they feel. I also hope some of that reflection translates into intention (spoken like the broken record that I am).
Here’s how I see it:
Reflection is simply thinking.
Synthesis is organizing thoughts into themes.
Distillation is extracting meaning and learnings from those themes.
Intention is setting meaningful direction.
If we apply a time construct to this:
Reflection and synthesis are rooted in looking back.
Distillation is ideally done by looking around.
Intention prepares us to look ahead.
What I’ve seen over the years is a tendency to leap from reflection (i.e., last year) to intention (next year), but between past and future is of course the present - a place I hope we give appropriate attention.
A common pitfall I’ve seen is setting intentions based on past circumstances rather than present ones. Circumstances change, and where we are now defines how well/poorly-positioned we are to move forward. This is what makes distillation so important - it’s when we separate sunk costs from opportunity costs and decide what’s worth doing and when’s worth trying.
Worth is a funny thing, though - it’s both dynamic and binary.
Dynamic because worth/value is subjective to you/your circumstances and a function of both present and future.
Binary in the sense that if given the constraints of a specified time horizon, something is either worth it or it’s not. And the ability for that answer and personal value to endure time decides whether something is ultimately transactional and/or transformational, as both can be true.
dynamically binary
You know how some people really struggle with deciding what’s worth it? I’m not really wired that way; assuming I have enough information (that is far less than perfect information), a pendulum in me tends to swing so strongly in a direction that there’s no denying where I stand, whether I like it or not(!). In this sense, I see my life as pretty black and white (i.e., binary), and how I choose to proceed as shades of grey (dynamic). But what’s interesting to me is when that pendulum suddenly swings another direction for reasons less known (strong opinions, loosely held is the phrase that comes to mind). The example I’ll give is my move to Portland in 2018.
I was interviewing for a Jordan Brand role and it was of serious consideration but not sincere interest, at least for the first few rounds. Even after visiting Nike headquarters, I came back to my life in NY with no expectations of leaving, which is why I can’t tell you what changed - only where it did. I was running the loop in Central Park and somewhere between Harlem Hill and the 86th Street Traverse, my inner voice suddenly screamed, “F*CK, I’m moving to Portland.”
The way I explained this to friends who appreciate more rational explanations was that I make decisions based on whether they’re net-positive. NY had 10,000 points, and this opportunity had 10,004. Yes, four…I could name 4 things this would give me that my situation in NY at the time couldn’t.
I share this because as net-positive as 4 is, the former employee-of-an-accounting-firm in me would also say that 4 (or less than 1% of 10,000) is not material. Herein lies the beauty of worth - the factors that influence it are discriminately weighted.
What led to my Central Park realization continues to baffle me to this day, but the ease for which I accepted it doesn’t. That inner pendulum (aka conviction) was reminding me of who I am and who I want to be.
the forgotten list
Below is a list I wrote in 2017 and completely forgot about until I found it the following year, while packing for my move to Portland. This caption will explain more. I don’t know if my sudden change of heart is because of this list, though part of me thinks so. Regardless, it’s still the easiest one I’ve ever written about myself and I think YUP. all these years later.
who I am and who I want to be
(FYI: I see this as one question, so grammar will reflect this)
I’ve been thinking a lot about this list lately because a few heavy-hearted things in November and December knocked me off my feet in ways that stopped the pendulum. (I’m questioning my conviction in ways that most people can’t detect, but what’s important is that I can.) This has led me to re-examine who I am and who I want to be. Unlike in 2017, my present-day situation isn’t driven by work, which is why I went back in time today to tell you one that was.
The first time I answered this question of who-I-am-and-who-I-want-to-be was 1998; it wasn’t a question I actively asked myself but is one I actively answered. I’ve been racking my brain wondering if 2017 is truthfully the second time I did…I think so(?), which makes this moment in time the third. None of these moments to date have been about reversing decisions I’ve made; each expands on what came before. 1998 was about integrity. 2017 - I’ll skip over since you’re looking at it. And 2025/26 (the Lunar Year of the Snake) seems to be about the virtues and values that this list is built upon. For example, trust. How is it defined, according to societal norms and me? What are the components? When do I choose to lean into/question it? When is it personal and not? When is it best to give/get it vs earn it? This is specifically not about who I trust, but rather how I do, because it’s important to me that how informs who. (Repeat this with a handful of other values and virtues that knocked me off my feet, and you’re starting to see what I’ve been up to lately.)
Questioning conviction is real trip when I’m currently unsure of a few fundamentals, but I am sure of one thing - I trust the process. The way I go about answering these sorts of questions is abstract and lateral (not like the list of trust questions above). I wander through it with patience and an Eastern cultural mindset, and where I find it is everywhere around me. What’s reassured me these last few weeks is discovering that where I’m landing are places similar to where I started (which is a good thing, given my circumstances), but my reasons for being there are different - broader and deeper. The inner pendulum’s swing will be smoother, for this work will bring greater consistency and agility in how I carry myself, especially over time. In the meantime, the nearer-term payoff is a sense of clarity and conviction that has begun to take shape - enough for that pendulum to start moving, though I wouldn’t say it’s “swinging” just yet.
Postscripts
[PS] I worry that my first message will get lost: Don’t just look back to look ahead - please please please look around and plan the future from the present.
[PPS] This post is a little more like what you’d find on my IG vs SOAR, so I feel weird putting it here. What ultimately led me to publish this are your messages:
My resume needs a reset and I don’t even know where to start. (I think who-you-are-and-want-to-be can help with this.)
I either don’t know my story, or I don’t have a process in place to get that story out of me. I’ve tried on for size the stories that I wrote a few weeks ago to see how it feels…and it doesn’t feel right. (This, too.)
I don’t really feel like what I share on SOAR is much of anything (except maybe honest), especially when there’s already so much content / so many stories that cover similar themes. I find a lot of what I see/read to be mechanical and linear in ways that may not reflect reality (like that list of questions re: trust), and wonder how much I’m contributing to this vs correcting it; it’s one of many reasons why I struggle to publish. But every once in a while, I’ll come across something about a specific experience that is exactly what I needed, which is why I’ve shared one of mine today - to balance the scale. It’s mathematically immaterial but hopefully net-positive.
[PPPS] Normally this time of year, I’d be hibernating and thinking about my two-word brief. I have not been hibernating (which is stressing me out), but know it’s more important to answer who-I-am-and-who-I-want-to-be. From a process standpoint, I’m nearing the end of the messy middle (where there are a few detours left to wander) and approaching the interesting, uncomfortable place of what this will lead to - a Central Park a-ha moment? a 2017 list? I don’t know…but what I’m learning is that these quiet moments arrive with force and ease (after periods of patience and strain) and can be life-defining. In this way, 2025 changed me just as the Year of the Snake (symbolizing wisdom and transformation) is said to and will continue to until Lunar New Year.
Cheers.